This is the post that I didn’t want to write…But I find myself at the keyboard and putting my thoughts to screen…
I think I knew almost immediately but wanted to make sure that it was PND and not just the early days where hormones plummet, a normal reaction after a major event. Today I admitted it to myself, husband and midwife and I feel a huge sense of relief, and it was the right thing to do one which will aid me in recovery.
I’m not writing this post just for me but also for the many women out there who are wondering what to do, if they should have “that conversation” or make “that call”. Maybe this will help you to decide but ultimately you do have to make a decision if you feel that things aren’t quite right, trust your gut and go with it.
I was so determined that I wasn’t going to have it this time round and I really think that it is very early PND as there are differences this time round, positive ones. I do have the bond that I didn’t have with Thunderpants, I don’t regret having him nor do i want to “return” him to the hospital.. lol Could you imagine their faces if I turned up with said baby in tow, telling them that he needed to go back to where he came from? lol Not so sure it would go down well at all.. Also this time I don’t feel the need to move in with the in laws… But I am in tears a lot, stressed, and feeling fear about being left alone in terms of what will I do all day not for safety reasons as I have no suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming me or him. I think the feeling that sums it up is Loneliness. Of trying to find something to do every day so that we aren’t alone… That is how I knew.
I got a new midwife to come over today who was lovely, I was waiting all morning for her and I greeted her at the door with tears. She examined N and then spent the rest of the time listening to how I felt and making suggestions. She is making an emergency appointment with the doc tomorrow and is calling the Perinatal Mental Health Unit at the Southern tomorrow and well, the rest is going to be a work in progress.
I will be going through my CBT exercises and trying to go through some of the negative thoughts and processing how I am feeling.. I am and always have been a proactive person but today I am just a bit disapointed… But I am accepting that its just one of these things and that I did not cause it and I made the first step in recovery. Not every day is going to suck ass, nope, not at all
I have so many lovely people to thank on Twitter, those who have sent me DM’s or public messages.. I decided to say it publicly as I know how kind people can be on there and I haven’t been disapointed. I also have a fantastic husband and child who have been a god send. Last night Thunderpants came in to the room with a cup of water and hankie that she got herself and said “This is to make you feel better and to dry those tears”.. This morning she came in and made me play a board game with her and her brother…She is the sweetest and most loving big sister and daughter.
So that’s where we are.. I don’t want to go through this but I have no regrets at this beautiful little boy( and he is beautiful cause we are just great at making cute kids) hahah