Abortion and PND

I’ve always been open and honest on this blog and been true to my readers about my experiences with Pre and Post Natal Depression but there was always a part of my story that I kept hidden until now. I think it has been hidden due to fear of judgement and backlash from those who don’t agree or approve but thanks to a chance email from a magazine and also support (once again) , from those lovely folk on twitter.. I have decided to speak out and to try to help other women who have had similar situations.
As most people know, I had really bad PND with my  daughter and not so bad pre and post natal depression, with my son. not long after my daughter was born – approx 12 months although can’t be 100% clear as that time for me and my husband , was quite hazy.. despite using contraception , I became pregnant. It was the most devistating news that I could ever receive at that point and I felt as though life was going to take a step back and I was never going to escape the hell that I was still currenlt in. With much talking with my husband and a GP, it was decided that we would have a termination of the pregnancy.
I have always had a open view on the subject of abortion and felt that it was the decision of those involved and that it is no ones right or role to judge. My only strong opinion was that no one should EVER use it as a form of contraception. EVER.
I went along to the hospital, had the first tablet given to me and wsa to return the next day for the second tablet. It ws at this point that things started going wrong adn I was in immense pain, bleeding more heavily than expected and I had to be given very strong painkillers, and kept in later in the evening. I also had a lot of time to think and to listen to the thoughts in my head, blaming myself and beating myself up for ending a life. I felt immense guilt but it was too late.
I think I went through a lot of different emotions because once everything was over, I won’t lie to you but I felt relief. I’m sorry for saying that. To all of you who have lost babies, to me, to anyone that wants children but can’t. I’m sorry but it wasn’t right for us, for me, for my daughter who was already resented at that time. It wasn’t fair for anyone- especially the child that I had growing inside of me but at that point I just wanted rid. It all sounds so harsh but I want to express my feelings and let it all out.
Life went on for us and I got better, and we decided to have another child. It wasn’t to be the first , second or third time as all resulted in early miscarriages and I thought that this was my punnishment for having had an abortion and that I missed my chance at having another baby. I then got pregnant with my son and early on I was referred (after tests to see why we were having difficulties conceiving), to the early pregnancy unit due to yet another   suspected miscarriage as I was passing blood. Thankfully though, there was a heart beat and he is a beautiful 2 year old . I did have major bleeding on one ocassion and had to be hospitalised but apart from that and hyperemesis, it went fine with a very quick delivery.
I guess by sharing this post, my whole story is out. I want people to know just how devestating and debilitating post and prenatal depression can be. It robs us of emotion, rational thinking, feelings, and lives. I hope that this post will help someone and if anyone has any questions, please feel free to email me or leave a comment.


30Day Shred:Day3

I am on day three of the shred and I feel like I have defineitly sweat more today than I did on the other days. I don’t know if it is because I am getting more fit and pushing myself harder but whatever the reason, it feels good. I also feel more sore and I almost didnt want to do it but the effects on my mental health and feeling like I am tightening up, is worth the pain.

One thing that I haven’t done yet is take pictures. I don’t know if I will, but I know that as someone who needs photographic evidence in order to be motivated… I really should. I also want to and wish I had started , taking measurements. I have a few pairs of jeans that I want to get back into so if I forget to take them, I can certainly test progress by trying these on every 10 days.

I haven’t started the couch to 5k as I had wanted because the weather had been bad and I have been working shifts this week, but I might manage in the morning to so this at the gym.. I may also try the ab work out that JIllian does, for maximum effect. I will see how I feel.. With one child who is 10months and doesn’t sleep well and another who insists oin coming into bed with me… I think I’m doing pretty darn good so far.

I may not be able to do the shred on Monday as I am getting my eyes done (laser eye treatment), however I could technically do it in the morning before I go. Either way, I don’t know if I can do it the day after due to the surgery but missing out 1 day really shouldn’t cause too much of an issue.

Thats where I am just now.. oh! and I almost forgot to mention that I am 2lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight with baby number two. Once I achieve that, it will be time to work on getting back to the weight I was before baby number 1! I will achieve that before or by the summer because I have a determination that I have never had before!

What’s that,Sky News Are Dicks?

Come again? What the utter f*ck!? Do I never learn??

Today’s rant is being brought to you today by Sky News. Why, I hear you ask? Well again, one of their new “breaking news” articles is about the Duchess going about her life by making a public appearance since the birth of her son, with the opening lines of “looking slim”. What the fuck has that got to do with her being out?

It’s yet another god damn pressure for people , mainly women, to slim down after their pregnancy. Quite hypocritical of them really especially as they reported on the story from OK! Magazine about her plan to slim down before she even had him!

Why couldn’t they have said “looking every bit like a proud parent…” But sadly no, it’s got to be about a persons weight before he is even so many months old! It takes 9 months to put on pregnancy weight, are we really expected to ping back into shape in a matter of weeks, no matter what the physical and mental implications might be? To that I say, piss off.

Leave the girl alone and let her be! Have they learned nothing?!

BBC Media Request

Can Anyone help?

My name is Hannah, I’m a television producer and I am working on a BBC programme about the use of medicines in pregnancy. I’d really like to make contact with mums whose baby has been born with a congenital heart defect, and who were taking SSRIs (particularly the drug Seroxat, also known as Paroxetine) during their pregnancy. All calls will be treated in the strictest confidence.

You can contact me anytime via email on hannah@firecrestfilms.com or on 0141 440 6738 during the daytime.”

Birth Story Part Two..dun ,dun,dah!

So after filling you in on the mad dash to the hospital and the birth, I feel inclined to add more gory details. If you are squeamish look away now … And one final point, yes it was not great at the time but it was a quick delivery and we will get over it, a post I may or may not write.

After N was brought in to the world, His Daddy and I were told that I needed a few things done which was fine .. We had a lovely midwife who as I said before, was patient and very lovely really who kept reassuring me and telling me how well I did etc.

She talked me through all that was being done and it was possibly at this point when I started to go pale, and stopped talking. I felt absolutely shattered and felt as though I had no energy which to be honest after losing so much blood, it’s absolutely normal. I was so white that they were calling me Casper.

After explaining that I was in pain, I was given some pain relief and had a bite to Eat. I Started sending messages to friends and family and just enjoyed some time alone with baby N and his Daddy. It was nice to not feel rushed, it was so peaceful and relaxed despite what had happened previously.. So as the time was approaching 04:00, I told the husband to go and that I would see him in the morning.

It wasnt long after, that the pains were so intense that the first pain killers wore off quickly, so they gave me a stronger pain killer which worked magic. I now understand why some people get addicted to certain pain killers cause these things are great!

I then had a visit from Dr Man Hands… He said that he needed to check things due to still bleeding and being in pain… sweet Jesus! I never expected what happened next and in my still drug induced state, I was feeling it all! I can’t recall exactly what happened and in what order but my bladder wasn’t draining which required a catheter and the Dr doing something that I think will take 20 years to get over! Ha ha!

After this, I was taken to recovery , had something to eat and saw the return of DR Man Hands and a new midwife who was pretty funny, and insisted that I use the gas and air this time. Lordy Lordy it was amazing!!!!! Why had I not used it previously? I never knew that I could talk like a gremlin!

I told the doctor that I could see his shift was nearly over and would he like to by pass me as I told him that if he was going to put me in pain again, to be prepared for the consequences… My legs were working and I wasn’t afraid to use them.

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