The Ups&Downs of PND

Yesterday started off with tears.. In the playground as I dropped thunderpants off. I was sad to leave her knowing that she was off in to the world , happy and unknowing of what kind of day lay ahead for me. But I told myself that I was being selfish, I was trying to satisfy my needs etc.

I came home and tried to hide the tears from my husband but the more I tried the faster they came. I apologized for being upset trying to come up with excuses, reasons for it happening and promising that I will get better soon. He though, told me to stop all of that, and that he feels that i am not as bad as I seem to think and that things will get better that it won’t be like this forever. He is my rock.

I had an appointment scheduled for 1pm at the Mother and Baby Unit, i left at 12:30 and met with one of the nurses who talked with me for over an hour. We are going to try and get the same doctor who did my CBT and do some top up sessions, and I was told that I would be fully supported by the unit  and to call any time. I felt a bit more settled and reassured and I have to say that today has been a better day. I talked with the midwife who came out, as well as my husband and although I had a little cry it was more for relief than anything.

I have been given a new anti biotic though which brings my total pill intake up to 10… I don’t think I have ever been on so many pills at one time..

So this is where I am at just now.. having good days and bad. I think when I have a bad day it makes it more difficult to cope or to believe that I will get better but then i immediately turn that thought into a positive one and look a the good that I have achieved in that particular day such as getting out of the house, or doing some cooking, visiting or having friends over. With every negative, there are more positives and its that which is going to help me beat this..


Last CBT Session!

This Friday see’s the last session of my CBT session at the Mother and Baby unit in The Southern General, sniff sniff. Its gone by fast and I am really proud of myself and what I have achieved so far. I remember thinking at one point that I felt I hadn’t really made a lot of progress but its about what you put into it that matters and I put my heart and soul as I wanted to make significant changes in my life.

I also feel that I had a great relationship with my therapist, which counts for a lot because you don’t want to divulge information to someone that you don’t feel comfortable with, its not how the therapeutic relationship works. Although they don’t tell you the answers and its all about how you yourself works through things, its helpful when someone can use unconditional positive regard and empathy where its needed. Also, I feel that my therapist was pretty darn good at challenging me, it was hard and there were tears but it was done at the right time and in the right circumstances. It did exhaust me and there were times when I didn’t want to attend but went because as I said, if you don’t put in the work, you will get bugger all at the end.

So how do I feel about ending my sessions? I feel good, I feel empowered and I feel positive about the future. As someone who has an HNC in counselling, it was difficult to change roles and be the client but once I was able to get over that and believe me it was very difficult as I was constantly going over things that I said , trying to self analyze etc that was when the hard work started. I learned so much about how I view the world, how I use values that I have been brought up with in positive and negative ways, how I used negative thinking styes in so many different aspects of my life and for so long. I feel like I am starting to see the world through different eyes and that I have woken from a hazy sleep.

I am under no illusion that I won’t at times slip back in to these ways of thinking or behaviors but I am aware when I am doing it and I have learned the skills, taught myself  really, how to get through them and to use positive self talk.  These are skills to have for life and at the beginning I was skeptical about CBT, but I realize it was a belief of someone else that I took on as my own , as it being the new fad for the NHS due to cost effectiveness. I used to be more into person centered, and I think that there will be a part of me that will always be, but sometimes you have to let go of the past. Yes it is of major value but sometimes dealing with the here and now can actually help you to deal with ghosts of the past.

Response to article on line

I was advised to respond to the article on line as well and included today’s earlier post about the reporter. I don’t know if they will print it or not so here it is…:

Having discussed the title of this article with the reporter to express my concern of possible repercussions of article title and using “baby blues” in stead of using any of the following, post natal depression/psychosis/anxiety and prenatal depression,we had agreed to meet today to talk but it didn’t go to plan (see my response on my blog

When I mention repercussions of not using the proper terminology, you invalidate a womans experience and add stigma to an illness which has enough of that already. I am disappointed that you had not used poper terminology in the title, as the article itself is quite rightly detailing the plans to move to leverndale (give you a clue, there’s some stigma already but you need to do the work to find out why), but instead I have been informed that as baby blues is more identifiable with people, that this title was used (hint hint, there is more stigma in the response I received) .

As someone who experienced post natal depression, I am offended by your term as are many other women across the world(I communicate on twitter), are. I was told after the birth of my child that it was just “the baby blues” but knew it was much more than that and I had already began my long journey of PND at that point and it prolonged my experience because it wasn’t taken seriously immediately. Do more women need to die before those words are changed and the issue is taken more seriously? I sure hope not,

Next time , please do your research properly before dealing with such a sensitive subject.(directed at the headline)

Update: They printed *some of it, missing out the important points…. Very bad mr moderator

My experience with a Reporter

Yesterday after dropping thunderpants off at school and running a few errands, I decided to go into Morrisons and have a late breakfast.

I purchased an Evening Times and opened it to find an article talking with “baby blues” in the title(was more to the title as well). Even before reading it, I knew what the mistake was and my anger stated to rise.

Although the article was highlighting the new mother and baby unit which was being opened and quoted the wonderful consultant, Roch Cantwell which I’ve had the pleasure of meeting many times, the title was all wrong.

I know this because I was told after having my daughter that it was “Just the baby blues” when in fact I had started my journey through Post Natal Depression. Speaking about mothers who would need to be in the unit or to attend as an out patient, and the help that is provided there, instead of using words like Post Natal depression, psychosis,anxiety Prenatal Depression , they used “Baby Blues”. it is absolutely and utterly damaging not to mention offensive to many!

So I did what I normally do, and got angry. I wrote an email whilst eating my breakfast explaining that using those words to describe something far from the “baby blues”, is invalidating feelings and could delay a persons recovery. People have died due to not being taken seriously! How dare they assume or not carry out any research?!

I got a reply right away and it was explained to me that although the article was not about that as such, it was basically an identifiable word amongst the general public and one which would be understood…. Que the blood boiling and many swear words going round my head. It wasn’t that the content was offensive although they could have covered things more in depth etc, what got me angry was the unprofessionalism, adding to the on going stigmas relating to Perinatal Mental Health!!! Jeesh !!!! (By questioning the titles unprofessionalism and the response back was that reporters have no control over the headline)

I was asked by the reporter to meet this week, advising today or Friday and was told that Thursday would be better. I was quite pleased that the paper wanted to hear the bigger story and I started gathering info and started seeing my stance as an activist but one who was going to use fact over passion )well you know what I mean) I was going to be professional!

So after dropping off thunderpants, I headed straight in to town and arriving early, ordered myself a tea and a beverage for the journalist. As time ticks by, I start panicking …. Did I say the right coffee shop, time and day? I was also feeling a bit sick as nerves and a urine infection had me up during the night. Not to mention being inthe pregnant with hyperemesis..

By 10:15am, I had checked my details through the exchange if emails and right enough, date, time and location were correct. I emailed the journalist and response that she’d had it in her head that it was tomorrow and that she had a lot on her plate.

I responded with the exchange of emails that we had yesterday but wasn’t prepared for the snippy response of “I can see that, people make mistakes,could we meet tomorrow”. Now, that just made me even more angry and I have yet to respond. I wouldn’t have minded if she had been apologetic, these things happen (although I hope that she doesn’t do that a lot to people), but to be so rude in her response after I drove all the way into town, paid my parking, bought us both a beverage and sat there waiting, and then contacting her to see where she was!

As I have taken a break from writing about or doing much in terms of PND, due to the start of my pregnancy being pretty rubbish and because I am still having CBT, I feel quite annoyed! I realise that I am in control of how I feel and can react in a way that I choose but why be so rude in responding?

Like I said, I haven’t responded and probably won’t take the time to do so but at least if I change my mind and do, I will be far more polite and dignified!

Update: As I was editing this, I received an email 1.5hrs after the original meet time to ask if I still had time, would I like to meet now? In the name of the wee man!!! Did she think that I would still be waiting in beanscene still?????

Update:the reporter is perplexed that I would question her professionalism… Really? Don’t believe I said that in this article. Made it clear that the article was ok despite missing out on stigmas in it etc, my issue is with the article title as well as not looking at ones diary when arranging appointments. Think we can lay this one to rest.

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