I haven’t really spoken much about what happened last year – saying that makes it sound as though it was ages ago but it wasn’t.. it was only just over 3 months ago. Partly because I can’t quite verbalise how I feel and also because I thought I was doing “ok” and dealing with it all very well. Almost too well. I’m not going to talk about the events leading up to, during and after because its out of respect for my family, but on the 1st of October 2014, I lost my Dad. He was only 69years old.. in a few days he would have turned 70. He should still be here to celebrate but he isn’t.
I could talk about how “unfair ” it is but we all say that. In his case though, he shouldn’t have died so young but there were external influences involved and it was those that led to his death.. I won’t forget the early morning ring of the phone, I knew that something was wrong and I was right. I knew what was coming but it was all so surreal. It wasn’t how I thought it would be. I guess I thought he would die of an illness or old age, well until his accident (bang on the head) resulting in a brain injury- he wasn’t the same after that. By saying that it wasn’t how I thought it would be , I mean this- when you live away from home whether it be 5 mins away or as in my case , thousands of miles.. you get to a certain age when you know that “the call” will eventually come. It did at 03:15am on a Friday morning. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night and I remember saying to my husband “I’m not going to have a Dad anymore”. I couldn’t even cry at that point, I didn’t know what to do, how to feel. Like I said earlier- it was surreal. I called work – I work for the out of hours service and had I not had some wine the night before , I’m sure that I would have driven to them to explain. But I didn’t and I couldn’t. I apologised for calling , saying that I was sorry I didn’t know what to say.
As I didn’t have a valid passport- I’m imfamous for never having one up to date- I had to try to contact the French embassy as my Dad is (was), French.. they were fantastic. I got a temporary passport and after drama upon drama at the airport due to my travel agent screwing up, I was on my way to London for my connection to Toronto. When I arrived, I went straight to the hospital. My sisters where there and they were exhausted.
Anyway, less of what went on there and during that time.. of which I was away from the kids for 1 month- fast forward over 3 months later and a trip home with my kids to cure some homesickness and to lay some flowers on my Dads grave. I felt that I NEEDED to be there. It helped.
This week though, I feel like its all hitting me like a tonne of bricks and I feel angry, in denial, crippled by emotion and lost. I now regret not calling him back when I said that I would, that I didn’t get to know him better… or understand him more. I wish a lot of things. I no longer have a Dad. My sisters no longer have a father. I feel mostly for my eldest sister as she was the one who saw him more as she lived the closest and I feel like its her who should be feeling it most. Her kids too.
I don’t know what to do and how to feel.. apart from tired, and angry. I feel like life has really passed far too fast and I only now know that we shouldn’t take things for granted. But I did.