Breast Feeding 101 &PND

Women only breast feed if there is something in it for them such as losing weight and shopping. That’s it, nothing more nothing less. We can be bought with shopping vouchers and are motivated by money and selfishness and at no point do we think about the health and well being of our baby.

Now, if you believe that you’ll believe anything.. However this is what society an the government are starting to think. What hope as women do we have when attitudes like that are still rife?!.

I really have to hold myself back here and not launch into naughty words, but what the utter fuck?! How in the hell can people bribe you do something that ultimately is YOUR choice? Yes, it IS best for baby but there are so many many factors involved in whether a woman can breast feed or not and no, it doesn’t come down to the simple promise if being paid ¬£200 in shopping vouchers.

We also have the absolute contradiction where people are all for breast feeding but have you ever seen the looks that some people can give you? I’m not saying don’t do it for that reason but just showing the double standards of society.

I really can’t understand how someone could come up with such an offensive “idea” but even worse that it could be allowed out to the public! What about using the money to help homeless, children etc?

I’m absolutely flabbergasted this morning.. How does this make you feel as a parent?

What makes me even angrier is the fact that this news story has gotten more coverage than the woman who killed her young baby due to having Post Natal Depression. I was supposed to be interviewed on the radio this AM but due to a last minute story ie, this one, it was thrown out the window. And they wonder why people go to such desperate measures when suffering? Shame on you, the media because it is you who are part of the problem and stigmas.

Why I Feel I Need To BreastFeed

Ok, so I know about the benefits of breast feeding… As we all know, I feel as though I’ve finally, 5 yrs down the line come to terms with not being able to BF when thunderpants was born due to my post natal depression.

I have my own mind and said with baby number two that if it didn’t happen, Thunderpants is living proof that I haven’t fucked up, she is healthy,happy, intelligent, and in my eyes that’s all that counts.

Now with 13 days before my due date, I am faced with a bit of a dilemma which brings about judgement from many others , male and females but to be honest, my guilt is not because of those dumb fucks but my own.

You see, the thing is… I decided around 28wks pregnant that my anxiety was creeping up and it was causing arguments in the house between me, husband and child. It created a vicious circle which I could identify as a result of effective CBT, big up to my therapist as he was good at his job! Word!(that’s for you LN)!ha ha

I did what was best for me, and my family and I started on the lowest dose to see me through. These are safe when pregnant, I watched (in awe), one of THE best clinicians in my opinion, Dr Roch Cantwell from the Southern General’s mother and baby unit, deliver a speech at the perinatal mental health conference where he discussed the low risk to baby and the benefits. Let me tell you, the benefits outweigh the negatives and even the negatives can be rectified very easily.

My only concern or guilt.. Is that if I can’t BF, he will have some withdrawal symptoms. I know that it would take a few weeks for this to die down and I know I made my decision based on good intentions but I feel some guilt. One which I have created but know I just needed to write it down to see how actually, in the grand scheme of things , will be something that I can deal with.

It’s at this point where CBT helps because I can rationalise and objectively look at the bigger picture… I can thought record this and know by the end that I am going to feel good about my decision and not over think or have worst case scenarios running through my mind and that everything will be alright.

Had I not decided to take them, things right now could have been much worse, my mood could have dangerously declined, I could be an utter mess right now …. But I’m not and I take comfort and can feel empowered that its me making these decisions based on my own thoughts and not taking on board what other people think. You know what? It feels pretty fucking good. It would be at this point that I would say “who knows what the future holds, it could all go tits up” but why spoil positivity ūüėČ

Co Sleeping

With 5 weeks to go, my thoughts have turned towards the idea of co sleeping with Mr Man when he arrives. Some of my reasons are due to wondering if it would help with the bonding process (history of PND with Thunderpants), and also wondering if his sleeping pattern would regulate but also because I want him close to me. Thunderpants has been sleeping with us again lately and although its really hard, I would probably be getting disturbed sleep at this time any way due to the pregnancy. My husband also said to me last week, she wants to feel safe and close to us, is that a bad thing? No it isn’t and I don’t know why the thought hadn’t occurred to me before…

We have a pull out bed and I wondered if it would be worth bringing it in and letting her sleep in our room ,that way all would be happy and less of a disturbed sleep for child and husband. Our room is pretty big anyway and really does it matter that they aren’t in their own room? Some people say that adults should have their own space etc, but really for the small amount of time that our children are little, is it really a big deal? If we needed space all we would need to do is use the living room or go out together, although I see people’s points and my attitude may change in a few weeks time but its really got me thinking.

I spoke to some lovely friends on twitter to ask about their experiences with co sleeping , my interest sparked initially by Steph over at Little E and Bean as she mentioned having 6hrs and feeling pretty good and her new arrival being only days old! Also as her birth was so quick she felt he needed the physical contact which is completely understandable.  I spoke with My two Mums who have been doing it for 5 months with their gorgeous little man and wrote about co sleeping here,Mother Scuffer who said it helped with breast feeding and will be writing a post about it tomorrow but did mention it here as well, Midwife to Mum said that she started off bed sharing and then moved the little one into a side cot and enjoyed the experience of co sleeping and Lisa who loves co sleeping with her little girl and as mentioned by all that I have spoken with, its the closeness. Claire also reiterates that with her  mention that she felt it helped with bonding and that there was probably more comfort feeds as well. Judging by the experiences felt by these women, I think I will give it a go and see what happens. It may work or it may not, me without sleep is like a bear with a sore head and all logic goes out the window but I would like to try, I think it might make the kids happier all round.

There is a lot of information available on the web, such as the NCT hiring cribs such as this one but looking at it, the husband says he could probably make one. Speaking of the husband, he is trying to stop smoking which would obviously be the deciding factor because although he doesn’t ever smoke in the house, if he is still doing it then we cant have little one in bed with us as its too dangerous.

Watch this space and if anyone has any stories that they would like to share or any comments either for or against, I would love to hear what you have to say on the matter.


No one prepares you for it really, do they?¬† The guilt at not being able to breast feed when you really want to provide what we are told is best, for our babies.¬† As mentioned in a previous post, I had tried in the hospital but unfortunately I couldn’t do it and made the difficult decision to bottle feed instead.. It may have been due to sleep deprivation or just wanting to do the easiest thing in order to get out and get home, I dont really know.. Continue reading “Guilt”

Dark times and loneliness

After re reading the last post and having quite a few tears as well as cuddles with my daughter, I thought I would talk some more about the early days.¬† The days of despair, the days of wanting it all to be over, of wanting to harm myself to end the mental and physical pain that I was going through.¬† The days of utter grief and just not knowing what to do and who to turn to, where to go.¬† I remember one day when i text a very good friend to tell him that I just wanted to end it all and his sister and mum came over to watch my daughter so that I could get some respite and pop along to tesco to get the shopping done.¬† I remember looking at the woman who was working the check out and just wanting to change places with her. I would have given anything on that day to have done so.¬†¬† I also remember the thoughts of getting in to the car and thinking that I could drive and just not come back , like some mothers have done. I still don’t know what I did to stop myself from doing it.¬† I also used to do silly things like clean at 3am or whenever the night time feeds were. if my house was clean, at least I had some control.

I remember having a book recommended to me , it was called ” The baby whisperer”, but some author who didn’t make enough of an impact on me to remember. I though that this was the answer, I put so much hope into getting this book that within hours of someone telling me about it, I had purchased this utter piece of nonsense and was setting myself up for yet another fall.¬† I thought that it would tell me how to magically get my daughter to sleep and how to stop feeling the way that I was.¬† For a small amount of time, I felt hope but these were soon dashed when I realized that it said exactly everything that other articles and books said, just in different words.¬† I should have realized by seeing the many different books on the shelves how much of a money making industry (like magazines), these books really are. They prey off our insecurities¬† of wanting to be the “perfect” parent with their flashy logo’s, brightly advertised front cover and promises of being someone that doesn’t exist! I was every marketer and author’s wet dream! They couldn’t stop me from shouting at this little life when she was crying and I certainly did a lot of that to the extent that each and every feed , my dog would get up and be there as though she was scared that I would harm my daughter. Even to this day, if I raise my voice around her, the dog will come in and sit between us.¬† I would like to add at this point that I did not harm her, but I had thought of it time and time again. This is why when I hear about women who have post natal psychosis and actually do carry out their thoughts, I can understand.

As the nights were drawing in my moods got worse and more dark and I remember calling my mum every day , just crying and asking for some sort of reasoning as to why I was feeling the way that I was. ¬† She wasn’t able to provide that answer, no one could. I feel so guilty for doing that to her especially after what she was going through with my Dad.¬† It was then that i decided to fly home. A trip that I had intended to make anyway as I wanted to see him after all that had happened. I also saw this as a chance to bond with my daughter and for some help from my mum.¬† I had never had the greatest of relationships with her but all I had wanted then and there, was her. One of the things that I didn’t take into account was how my husband was going to be feeling in regards to being separated from his little girl for so long. In the early days, they grow so fast¬† and I should have been more respectful of his feelings but instead, I was only thinking about myself and my feelings. I was kidding myself on that if I could get better when at home, things would be better when I got back.¬† I was still so very insecure about my relationship.

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