I had wondered how he would feel about talking to me about it via the blog. We do discuss it from time to time , but possibly not so in depth. I thought it would be beneficial to ask him what his take was on the whole thing.
He said that he started to know that something wasn’t right, and that I was very happy in the hospital but that things changed the day that we got back. He said I started to panic about being home and being alone, and said that I would lie on the couch all the time, not speaking and not really moving.
He said that it was difficult because he had no time to do anything due to work and things happening there and that there seemed to be a period of 3 months when he would need to go out to work, come home at lunch, come home at night and put our daughter to bed and then me. I asked if he ever thought that I was capable of doing something to myself or to my daughter to which he replied “no”. He believes that I was telling the truth. This is one of the times that I lied because I was thinking of killing myself many times.
I asked how he felt about me going to Canada, but he said that it was something that I needed to do but said that things got worse when I came home and he feels that this was due to being homesick, he said I seemed like I didnt want to be here and there was no excitement to see him. I feel a lot of guilt about this.
I asked about my behaviors and he said that there was a lot of shouting , and when our daughter got upset , I would shout more and storm off saying that i couldn’t handle it and go lie on the couch. He said I wouldn’t move and that he would need to take over. I asked if he had thought about leaving me and he said that he hadn’t and he believed that i would get better.
He says that so many things were happening that he cant remember it all, and that its difficult to place when things happened, he also mentions a time when I was going through a stage of drinking and I said that I hated our daughter but he said that he never took it on board because he knew deep down, that I didn’t mean it.