As most if not all of you know, I’m pregnant! After 3 previous miscarriages and being at this stage without many drama’s (apart from being convinced that I was losing the baby), I can safely say that this one must be a “keeper”.
Of course I have had my fears of the PND returning, it’s only natural to think that having gone through it once before and statistically , I am more prone to it that it could happen but it doesn’t mean to say that it will.
It has been for this reason that I have decided to put measures in to place before fears and thoughts turn into bigger concerns than need to. I have to admit that despite trying and planning for this baby, when the hormones kicked in it resulted in some more darker thoughts returning. Thoughts that I wanted to terminate and thoughts of not being able to cope. As well as a few other thoughts crossing my mind.
I would tell myself many times that actually, it’s the illness that is entering my mind and not the real and true feelings which made us try again. It’s through these affirmations and self talk that I have gotten myself to this point of positivity. That and the help of friends, Maws, health professionals and the decision to take medication again which I started yesterday.
I don’t know what the future will hold, I don’t care about the future right now but instead I take each day as it comes. This is also due to the fact that I have very bad sickness morning, noon and night. With thunderpants, I had “Hyperemesis”, one of the things which I feel may have contributed to my PND as its an isolating and debilitating part of pregnancy for some women. I was put on a drip in hospital and it lasted into the 4th month of pregnancy.
I was continuously reminded that it was a “good sign” and that I should be thankful as this meant that the hormone was strong and the baby was developing well. Yes, I realise this but man, it’s also at the detriment of my mental health too! Lol
When I started going off my food and retching, I knew that it was coming back… This is what I feared might happen but at least I haven’t been as bad but bad enough that I’ve had some pretty down days. I have also had to miss work for 2 days, probably shouldn’t have gone in in the first place but I like routine and also thought a change of scenery would do me good… It didn’t. I was disappointed that despite vomiting approx 6 times, I still had to ask to go home.
One other thing which has been difficult and this one is the worst, has been difficulty in interacting with thunderpants. Although she is so very excited about becoming a big sister, she doesn’t understand why Mummy can’t play and that Mummy needs to go to bed as soon as Daddy gets home. I feel as though the new baby is taking her attention away before I am ready to give it!
So that’s it. That’s why I haven’t been tweeting and blogging much… No energy and keeping my own health both physical and mental, in check.