As many people know, I did not breast feed. I wanted to and I tried to the point where I was sitting in my cousins room with her trying to get the wee one latched on and boobs on display (she was a volunteer for breast feeding initiative) whilst my child cried and other kids ran around. But I just couldn’t.
I still to this day, nearly 5 years later have that guilt, which yes I applied to myself but one which is given by the media and their campaigns , some midwives, doctors and most surprisingly other mothers. Other mothers can be mean, absolute bitches. They can be the most judgmental of other women and so very damaging to the point where it can have an effect on ones mental health.
We all have choice, but when breast isn’t always best due to the detrimental affect it can have on a mothers mental health, where do we draw the line? Should we stop when weeping in pain due to cracked nipples, soreness and immense pain or do we keep going because in our heads all we can hear is “breast is best, breast is best”? We bang on about how a happy mother is a good mother….but what if its a difference between not doing it and instead bottle feeding , with a baby who is getting the nutrition in other ways and a mother not being in pain? will my daughter come to me one day and say “I’m not happy with you because you didn’t breast feed” absolutely not.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it isn’t fair that ones parenting skills are judged upon what choice they make. Why judge someone when what they choose could make a hell of a lot of difference to their mental state? Some people think that breast fed babies are healthier, I think this isn’t fair to say as its an individual thing and environmental factors come into it as well.
I was speaking to someone this morning who felt that she had to hide the fact that she hadn’t breast fed, from her health visitor for fear of judgement and having to justify the reason why. is this the type of world that we want our kids growing up in? That we can’t think for ourselves and that we would rather make others happy before ourselves? In the back of my mind I feel that when or if we have another baby, I will defo breast feed this time and make up for the mistakes that i made the first time round. In reading that I shake my head and tell myself to feck off at the thought. Now if I am having a thought like this, there must be many more women out there who feel the same?
What we should be promoting is choice, and that as long as your child is getting nutrition, growing and having a parent who is looking after them, loving them and that the basic needs are met, that this is enough? Do they want a parent who is being pulled in so many different directions and feeling so much guilt and stress that it ends up in anxiety and depression? Im sure that we all know the answer to this.
I am not anti breast feeding, I don’t want this to come across, I just want top stop another mother from feeling that the reason why she has perinatal mental health issues is because it happens and not because she couldn’t breast feed. That the bond doesn’t come from breast feeding alone but other things too.
Hi there, I just found your blog via mumsnet and stopped by for a peek.
I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been made to feel bad because you couldn’t breastfeed. I’m very pro-breastfeeding, but I know that some women genuinely struggle with it. It wasn’t a terribly easy journey for me during the first weeks, only sheer stubbornness got me through. I remember having to hold my hubby’s hand as I cried through the pain and on more than one occasion I begged him to make up a bottle of formula only to refuse it at the very last minute.
A friend of mine was very upset that she couldn’t breastfeed and it took her months to come to terms with the feeling of guilt. We actually met at antenatal class and I remember she was just as determined as me to breastfeed, but her son had an infection immediately after birth and the combination of being in NICU and needing to exclusively express was too much.
I think it’s important that breastfeeding is well-supported, but it should be along the lines of encouragement to continue, not to apply pressure and guilt if you can’t.
Hi
Thanks for your reply:) I am also pro best feeding, what I have said in the article is the pressure to do it is very immense. I would love to have done it, it was important for me and it was and is an issue that I am still coming to terms with in not having been able to do it. What I am trying to say is that we make the choices that we make and no one should judge us for that. No one is any less a parent if they choose not to do it.
Wow. That’s a tricky one. I cannot relate to bfeeding issues even though my babies were both tongue tied and getting them latched on was an Art…. 5, 10, 15 years down the track though it really doesn’t matter whether the kids were bfed or not – they all turn out alright
Exactly! Please note that what I am getting at is choice, there is so much pressure adn yes I don’t disagree with the benefits at all, I just don’t agree with the pressure.
while i do believe in general that breast is best, there are some circumstance where that is not the case and/or it just doesn’t work out. it didn’t work out for me, my daughter was formula fed and she is healthy as a horse.
There are def circumstances but also its a choice. One which we should all feel OK about whichever one it is…there shouldnt be a right or wrong and there shouldnt be any guilt attached to it.
Angeline, don’t you dare feel guilty. No one should make you feel like that no matter what they say. I had to give up breast feeding Buddy at 6 days due to losing my milk when I was readmitted to hospital &they treated me badly. I expressed for 8 more days but it made me cry & I could feel myself getting ‘down’ every time I expressed I was in hysterics & I saw my tears wetting my babies head & thought, pull yourself together. You need to be happy for your baby to help him develop, being depressed was nothing to help anyone including me! I’m nothing to say I didn’t feel guilty but I didn’t let it take over. You & TP are so much more important. Buddy is one of the most healthy little boys at nursery so I will no longer let the guilt creep in.
One of the reasons I ended up back in hospital was that Buddy lost 16% of his birth weight and consultant said if I’d left him 24hrs longer he would have been brain damaged. On day 2 I asked midwife for advice on formula as I thought he wasn’t getting enough but she refused to give advice saying she wasn’t allowed. Wish she knew she had nearly given my precious wee boy brain damage, she would give advice next time! I am pro breast feeding, but you are right, it is about choice & I so craved a bottle of wine
I’m actually speechless. I can’t believe how women are treated in this day and age! Trusting your gut and instinct is defo the right way to go and do glad that Buddy is ok! I can’t describe the feelings I had when reading that! Things need to change ! Thanks for sharing
xxx
Brilliant post by the way!