I don’t know what you want to call it.. stupidity? A moment of madness? Whatever it is, I wish I hadn’t done it.What am I talking about? I stopped taking my anti depressants because I thought that I was doing “ok”. I thought that I finally sorted things out with the healthy eating, exercise and all that sort of thing. However, I didn’t and recently I have paid the price but worst of all, so have my kids and husband. Don’t get me wrong when I was exercising, I felt on top of the world but due to holidays and schedule clashes, I haven’t done much in the past 2 weeks.
It wasn’t until last night, reading a post by the amazingly strong and in my eyes, courageous woman , Vicky AKA @SingleMAhoy and her post which she had written a long time ago but only decided to post it, which can be read here where she talks about often forgetting to take her pills and then thinking that you’re ok and really, it’s a downward spiral from there.. I usually follow that pattern. I also can empathise with the everything annoys you , little things . Again, it’s from someone whistling, chewing loudly (or so I think), Thunderpants doing handstands and saying that she will disturb the family down stairs when really its the noise which irritates the fuck out of me. In fact, everything irritates me. So much so that I am wanting to claw at my face to make things stop. I break out in sweat, I itch and I just can’t concentrate on much at all. I cry, I shout, I throw things and I just can’t understand why I can’t be “norma;”. But what is normal? Really, can someone please tell me?
What is it like to find enjoyment again in simple things, to not feel so exhausted all the time because of the stress? Let me tell you… I have done Tough Mudder recently and that never even touched on the exhaustion that I feel on a daily basis due to the anxiety. Ok, so we went through a period where the boy wasn’t sleeping and it is hell and it is hard but it’s not where all of the tiredness is coming from. I wonder if I will be able to feel content again.
I have started back on the tablets again as of today and I really hope that they stop my mind from realing and I stop feeling like there is a ping-pong ball in my head , dotting from one side of my head to the other.. or is it more like a game of squash that’s going on? I just want it to slow down, to stop and for me to be calm. I don’t remember the last time I felt calm. We went on holiday recently and there was an incident which happened and although we were all on edge, it increased my anxiety even more. I thought I could ride it out and that once I returned home that I could really just decide what to do.
You see, I am not depressed. At least I don’t feel that way , but it could lead to that if I don’t buck up my ideas and sort this out. I am very self-aware and I just needed a kick up the arse to get things in motion. I think that post was meant to be sent out last night because despite the tears that it brought, you can bet your ass, some were tears of utter relief.I just couldn’t believe that some of the things described were so similar.
So here I am, the doctor wants to see me again in two weeks.. I’m not sure that the ones he has put me on are really right but I’ll give them a try. I guess part of this whole thing for me is that I have a personal issue with being on antidepressants. I would never treat anyone the way that I treat myself so I can’t understand why I add a personal stigma. I need to get on with it and just accept that I need them. However, as someone who studied counselling, I think fixing things with a tablet rather than working through it, isn’t the answer. My other part of me thinks, well if it helps is it really doing any harm? This is the inner conflict that I have and it drives me crazy.
I don’t know what the answer is, if there is one in the first place but I know that I am pro active and for now, the pills are what I need.