I don’t know what you want to call it.. stupidity? A moment of madness? Whatever it is, I wish I hadn’t done it.What am I talking about? I stopped taking my anti depressants because I thought that I was doing “ok”. I thought that I finally sorted things out with the healthy eating, exercise and all that sort of thing. However, I didn’t and recently I have paid the price but worst of all, so have my kids and husband. Don’t get me wrong when I was exercising, I felt on top of the world but due to holidays and schedule clashes, I haven’t done much in the past 2 weeks.

It wasn’t until last night, reading a post by the amazingly strong and in my eyes, courageous woman , Vicky AKA @SingleMAhoy and her post which she had written a long time ago but only decided to post it, which can be read here where she talks about often forgetting to take her pills and then thinking that you’re ok and really, it’s a downward spiral from there.. I usually follow that pattern. I also can empathise with the everything annoys you , little things . Again, it’s from someone whistling, chewing loudly (or so I think), Thunderpants doing handstands and saying that she will disturb the family down stairs when really its the noise which irritates the fuck out of me. In fact, everything irritates me. So much so that I am wanting to claw at my face to make things stop. I break out in sweat, I itch and I just can’t concentrate on much at all.  I cry, I shout, I throw things and I just can’t understand why I can’t be “norma;”. But what is normal? Really, can someone please tell me?

What is it like to find enjoyment again in simple things, to not feel so exhausted all the time because of the stress? Let me tell you… I have done Tough Mudder recently and that never even touched on the exhaustion that I feel on a daily basis due to the anxiety. Ok, so we went through a period where the boy wasn’t sleeping and it is hell and it is hard but it’s not where all of the tiredness is coming from. I wonder if I will be able to feel content again.

I have started back on the tablets again as of today and I really hope that they stop my mind from realing and I stop feeling like there is a ping-pong ball in my head , dotting from one side of my head to the other.. or is it more like a game of squash that’s going on?  I just want it to slow down, to stop and for me to be calm. I don’t remember the last time I felt calm. We went on holiday recently and there was an incident which happened and although we were all on edge, it increased my anxiety even more. I thought I could ride it out and that once I returned home that I could really just decide what to do.

You see, I am not depressed. At least I don’t feel that way , but it could lead to that if I don’t buck up my ideas and sort this out. I am very self-aware and I just needed a kick up the arse to get things in motion. I think that post was meant to be sent out last night because despite the tears that it brought, you can bet your ass, some were tears of utter relief.I just couldn’t believe that some of the things described were so similar.

So here I am, the doctor wants to see me again in two weeks.. I’m not sure that the ones he has put me on are really right but I’ll give them a try. I guess part of this whole thing for me is that I have a personal issue with being on antidepressants. I would never treat anyone the way that I treat myself so I can’t understand why I add a personal stigma. I need to get on with it and just accept that I need them. However, as someone who studied counselling, I think fixing things with a tablet rather than working through it, isn’t the answer. My other part of me thinks, well if it helps is it really doing any harm? This is the inner conflict that I have and it drives me crazy.

I don’t know what the answer is, if there is one in the first place but I know that I am pro active and for now, the pills are what I need.

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4 thoughts on “Blip?”

  1. Well done for taking a positive step. The goal is not “doing with out pills” or “not being depressed/anxious.” The goal is to be well, and to make sure our children are ok. However you get to that point doesn’t matter in the long run.
    If you’re worried these aren’t the right pills, please make sure you monitor your mood closely. The problem with antidepressants is that because they alter your brain, you don’t always notice they’re making you worse – you think it’s just you!
    Good luck xx

    1. Thanks so much for helping me realise that I do need them. I have a review in two weeks and I think we might need to look at other ones though. I am calming down which is great but I still have a lot of anxiety.

  2. Oh hun…how are you getting on now?

    I can so sympathise, both with the anger (this is a big issue for me, it never seems to ease) and falling into the trap of getting forgetful with the meds and thinking it means you’re fine. I’m resigning myself to a life of being on them now though – every time I come off them I seem to have worse and worse thoughts, and any attempts I’ve made for talking therapy have come to nothing. I can understand your feelings about being on them, I’ve resigned myself but not really made my peace…I just don’t know what the answer is.

    1. Hi Sarah. thank you for your comment. You have really summed up exactly how I feel/am feeling. I don’t think differently of others but I feel weak as a result. However, I think that I am learning to come to terms with it all now that I am calming down. I think that if they work, I just need to keep on with them.

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