Today, I want to run away. I don’t want to be a wife, a mother of two beautiful children, an employee , a friend or a family member. Today I want to be alone with no worries , thoughts, anxiety, or stress. I want to have a clear mind and be “still” like the water on a lake on a quiet summer morning. Is this too much to ask? When did life become so complicated?
I know that I can control my own destiny but when there are so many people to throw into the loop, who are affected either directly or indirectly, throwing caution to the wind is damn near impossible. Hurting others is not what I am about and I don’t want to start… yet there will have to be some decisions made and fast because I cant go on feeling like a pressure cooker who is about to blow at any minute.
I’ve had the conversation in my head about what to do, pretended that I am giving advice to a “friend”, but in reality its not very practical! You see, I have never been one who can make decisions well especially when it affects the lives of others. I would rather bury my head in the sand and be a coward. I put on a hard exterior but I’m very much “soft” on the inside. I hate upsetting and hurting people and I have a lovely list of defense mechanisms that I use.
I seem to get by on the reactions of others… It can dictate the kind of day that I’m having if going through a particular low point. This isn’t a daily thing thankfully but it happens and it makes me feel weak and upset that I can’t have my own mind.
When does it all kick in, the life experiences and the coming to peace and acceptance of yourself? When do you learn to love yourself or settle for who you are? Is it something that comes with age and time? Or does it just not happen for some folk and not others?
If that’s the case, it seems like a pretty big waste of life, no? I sure as hell don’t want to go through life feeling as though I’m a bad person. In theory I know I’m not but I still haven’t accepted myself , still unsure of who I am or who I want to be.
I feel like a chameleon some times.. I used to do a lot of copying of friends when I was much younger. It was admiration of those few choice friends for me and annoyance for others. I lost a few friends and although there was no ulterior or sinister motive in it, I can see how it was detrimental to those friendships. I just didn’t know who I was but I saw happiness in their lives that I wanted for myself.
Luckily, I’m less about copying but I still do change opinions to suit those who I admire in hope that I’ll be accepted. I don’t do it with everyone… I am lucky that I have a few folk around me that know me completely. The problem is that I still continue doing this… It achieves nothing.
Wow, this post has turned into a major self loathing exercise! You know what they say though… “better out than in” and I did start this blog as a way to get out how I feel about things. I’m a thinker, a very deep thinker and sometimes it can be dangerous… Or sometimes it can be good.
Anyway. No idea how to end this post so I just will.