The Rollercoaster of life

Today, I want to run away. I don’t want to be a wife, a mother of two beautiful children, an employee , a friend or a family member. Today I want to be alone with no worries , thoughts, anxiety, or stress. I want to have a clear mind and be “still” like the water on a lake on a quiet summer morning. Is this too much to ask? When did life become so complicated?

I know that I can control my own destiny but when there are so many people to throw into the loop, who are affected either directly or indirectly, throwing caution to the wind is damn near impossible. Hurting others is not what I am about and I don’t want to start… yet there will have to be some decisions made and fast because I cant go on feeling like a pressure cooker who is about to blow at any minute.

I’ve had the conversation in my head about what to do, pretended that I am giving advice to a “friend”, but in reality its not very practical! You see, I have never been one who can make decisions well especially when it affects the lives of others. I would rather bury my head in the sand and be a coward. I put on a hard exterior but I’m very much “soft” on the inside. I hate upsetting and hurting people and I have a lovely list of defense mechanisms that I use.

I seem to get by on the reactions of others… It can dictate the kind of day that I’m having if going through a particular low point. This isn’t a daily thing thankfully but it happens and it makes me feel weak and upset that I can’t have my own mind.

When does it all kick in, the life experiences and the coming to peace and acceptance of yourself? When do you learn to love yourself or settle for who you are? Is it something that comes with age and time? Or does it just not happen for some folk and not others?

If that’s the case, it seems like a pretty big waste of life, no? I sure as hell don’t want to go through life feeling as though I’m a bad person. In theory I know I’m not but I still haven’t accepted myself , still unsure of who I am or who I want to be.

I feel like a chameleon some times.. I used to do a lot of copying of friends when I was much younger. It was admiration of those few choice friends for me and annoyance for others. I lost a few friends and although there was no ulterior or sinister motive in it, I can see how it was detrimental to those friendships. I just didn’t know who I was but I saw happiness in their lives that I wanted for myself.

Luckily, I’m less about copying but I still do change opinions to suit those who I admire in hope that I’ll be accepted. I don’t do it with everyone… I am lucky that I have a few folk around me that know me completely. The problem is that I still continue doing this… It achieves nothing.

Wow, this post has turned into a major self loathing exercise! You know what they say though… “better out than in” and I did start this blog as a way to get out how I feel about things. I’m a thinker, a very deep thinker and sometimes it can be dangerous… Or sometimes it can be good.

Anyway. No idea how to end this post so I just will.

 

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Drop Dead Chocolates:A Review

After months of relentless badgering the lovely Jonathan from Drop Dead Chocolates , he gave in and sent me some amazing chocolates from their range. I was given the “Chocafella” box which had flavours to die for. No joke. This is a company with over 20years experience and its evident in taste!

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I was instantly in chocolate heaven, as were the lucky few who were allowed to sample these little gems. I had posted on my Facebook page that they were coming through and I haven’t had as many “likes” and comments on any one post! People offering to sample and be chief tasters etc, Sorry guys but we kept them for ourselves!

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I blame these chocolates for my recent weight gain. They were done within 2 days of coming through the letter box (which is a selling point for me because you don’t need to sign for them and they fit through without damage)because they were so good. I even hid a few from the little ones so that I could enjoy them with a cup of coffee , in peace and on my own. A little indulgence. That’s not wrong, is it? If you have tasted these, you’ll know exactly where I am coming from. Who knew that one box of chocolates could bring so much joy! I know, I should get out more, shouldn’t I?

So I hear you asking, “Where can I buy these”? You can order on line at www.dropdeadchocolates.co.uk and choose which ones to put into your order. I think my fav was  “salted caramel” which was very unusual to the tastebuds, followed by the “white chocolate champagne truffle” I liked the way that they were presented in the box and I am about to order a new batch because there are so many flavours that I want to try. One is the “Lego” and the other amongst so many delicious others, would be the “macaroon strawberry ganache”. There are other box types that you can get to suit your chocolate dreams from “Redhead”, “Blonde”, “Brunette”, “Raven”, “Sweetheart”, “Macaroons”, “Queen of Hearts” and “taster” boxes too. I plan on making my way through all ofthese this year in moderation of course;)

Why not stop by their website and have a look. You won’t be dissapointed and they make a fantastic and unique gift!

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It’s Just a house, Right?

My parents have finally done it, they have separated and the house is sold. I should be happy that at least one of them can move on and start living again after so many years of unhappiness. But I’m not.

The house has been the one consistency in my 37years of life on this plant. Yes, I have been away for 20yrs now but when I go back to Canada to visit, I go HOME. This is the  home that has had no one else live in it because it was a new build, a home built for a family of 5… with happy and most recently, sad memories. yes, actually there were unhappy memories throughout for all of us in differen’t ways.. I’m certainly under no illusions the house held many secrets, betrayals etc but for now, I shall remember the happy times because there were many.

I’m grieving right now. Just because someone hasn’t died it doesn’t mean that people don’t grieve. It’s a process that you go through. There once was something in my life but now it is gone. From what I have been told it is being purchased by a couple who have never owned before. I don’t know if they have a family but it certainly is big enough if they do have kids. There is a basement which can finally be turned into a tv room, a main floor and an upstairs with three bedrooms. Mine was the middle one. I shared it with one of my sisters for a time… it was a place where I dreamed, slept and made plans in. I had friends stay over.. both of my children also slept in my room when I took them home to meet my parents. But now they won’t know what it was truly like because they were only months and weeks old.This makes me sad. They won’t hear the crickets, see the fireflies, have a bbq on the deck, experience water fights, hear the lawn mowers in the summer, smell the freshly cut grass… build the snow forts and watch the snow fall endlessly in the winter from the window that I watched it from.

They also won’t feel the heat and see the flames  from the fireplace which went out many years ago… they went after my Dad’s accident… when he could no longer work and drive therefore unable to collect wood… the chimney was cracked before this but now beyond repair and use.  My Mum would at times when we were younger, cook on the top of the wood burner… I remember watching the Muppets in the basement one year when it was exceptionally cold and we set up a dinner table because it was so much warmer. It was cosy… my Dad would often fall asleep in his chair or on the black couch which may or may not have replaced the orange one that I as a child left unattended, painted with some black paint.

It was also the place where I hosted skating parties due to living across from the arena.. played late night games of hide and seek with neighbourhood friends.. Played road hockey, skipped , and camped in the field across the street… There was also the old park before the new one with the baseball diamond was built with its old monkey bars and wooden house.. across from the house was my bus stop where the yellow school bus would pick me and my friends up around 08:15am…  The place where my best friend and I would try to get string from my wondow to hers a block away to attach styrofoam cups for a a “telephone”…

It was the place where no matter if I was 1 block away or down at the creek, my mother could holler loud enough for me to hear, because it was dinner time. You could put money on it that I would be back out after though, to continue whatever game it was we were playing at the time.. It was also the place where my mother would cook and friends would come. The place where no matter where in the world my sisters and I were living, all of us could come HOME. Not at the same time.. it was unusual at a time for all of us to be in the same country, let alone our home, at any one time. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing as we aren’t very close and really don’t get along. lol. Bittersweet really.

However, as I mentioned, with the good there are also the bad… The house was in dire need of renovations which really should have been done a long the way but weren’t for whatever reason… It was a home which became too big for two people to maintain… too many stairs to climbe etc.. They say its for the best.  Old neighbours have died, new ones moved in, there are also a lot of new houses.. a town of 2500 has grown.. it isn’t the same in some respects but it hasn’t changed in others..

I have often wondered what will happen when I go home …. Will I drive by or will it be too painful? Will I want to knock on the door and ask to see what the new people have done in order to bring closure? That wouldn’t really be right and it would be quite cheeky.

Good bye old friend…. You weren’t “just” a house.. but a home.

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Hillarys Blinds: A review

I was kindly invited by the lovely folk at Hillary’s Blinds, to pop down to London to get a sneak peek at their fantastic new range and to attend the Ideal Home Show, a few weeks ago. I jumped at the chance because we are trying to do the flat up with scope for selling  and I really needed inspiration as my flair for decorating is , well.. nonexistent!

After boarding the train at 06:30am, with a leisurely journey without kids ( I was like a kid on Christmas Eve), I met one of the team outside the Ideal Home Show and went in to discover a whole new world waiting for me! I was amazed by the summer houses, and the lovely hot tubs and I could imagine them fitting right in at our home smack bang in the back garden but unfortunately the price tags wouldn’t have allowed me to make such expensive purchases.

I then moved upstairs to what was labelled “women” and as much as it was nice to have my hair done, back massage and watch a catwalk fashion show with fantastic dancers.. I was left harassed and overwhelmed by the amount of sellers who were  pushy and intimidating. I didn’t actually purchase anything due to their “in your face” attitudes and i slowly grew in confidence when I was constantly approached.

Despite the not so great experience at that section, I found the food area and the bottom floor, much more inviting and interesting. As I approached the one company and their stall who made my trip possible, I was drawn to one design in particular. I absolutely LOVED their sailboat design blind and could see this as being in the bathroom for a coastal style theme or in the children’s bedroom. The only drawback was that if it was chosen to be in the bedroom, we would need to have a “blackout” option which I don’t believe they do at present.

I was inspired right away and was surprised at how my mind wandered and how creative I was feeling. This isn’t something that every happens to me, ever,  and I was looking forward to their event later on in the day where bloggers gathered for our own private show of the new collection. I have to say that I really wasn’t disappointed by what I saw and was presented with.

We were given the chance to mingle with other bloggers, given an opportunity to view their new collection, and speak to the designers and staff. The feeling of being welcomed, was amazing. I have never met such a wonderful and friendly group of people in a long time.  We then moved on to a more formal introduction of the range that they were providing, given the story and inspiration behind each design and how they were made.  The three collections were; Modern Coastal, Organic earth and Eclectic Luxe.  I would say that Modern Coastal was my most fav of all because I’m a beach type person, water relaxes me and if I have high levels of stress, chances are I will be found by the water! Organic Earth was also a close runner up because of the colors used and the “Hippy” part of my personality. Warm tones are something that i use in our home and I also wear a lot of these types of colors too. Why not pop along and have a look at their new collection!

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I think that this experience was something that I needed, to dust away the cobwebs of winter and to see the flat in a whole new light. I want to thank the wonderful staff for helping me see that the possibilities are endless and also for their kind hospitality and for inviting me along.

 

*I was compensated for my travel

 

 

 

 

 

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Silent Sunday

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